Warning: Explicit content
Before we go further, I have to be upfront with you: this article may be more graphic than others I’ve written. By default, it has to be. I can tone things down, but at some point, if I keep it PG, then what you have is an article without any quotes whatsoever. So if words like “blow job” and “cum” are a bit much for you, I recommend you go here instead.
How does someone have the best sex ever? Is it physical or emotional? What makes sex with one person better than with another? I went looking for answers and I got them. Some are clinical, some are emotional.
According to Tiffany Anton, New Orleans sex therapist, there’s so much variation. “Passion, intensity, craving, reciprocity, feelings of acceptance, overwhelming feelings of love and the urge for that other person. It’s going to be different for each person. I don’t think you can break that down into specific acts: long-kissing, full-body experience, etc.”
But when asked, Elise refers to her favorite time with a guy “bending me over with his thumb in my ass directing me how to move…” As we discuss it more, however, the story becomes more complex. It turns out not to be that specific act at all. Elise and Matthew were early on in their relationship, and at that point they were still feeling each other out. Their relationship, she admits, had a strong BDSM vibe to it, with Matthew playing the role of dom and her being his “bratty sub”. The feeling of being controlled, directed, and out of that also, a sense of being taken care of. It wasn’t really about the thumb, Elise admits, it was about, “Being cared for and taken care of.”
Which brings us to sex therapist Tiffany Anton’s second point: “If you haven’t been true to yourself, true to your own skin, to what you want and need, there’s a release in claiming that.”
It was that energy that Elise touches on. She says of Matthew and their relationship, “He encouraged me to actually let myself feel.” She adds, “I don’t think I ever told him how much the ‘allow yourself to feel that emotion and when it is done, let it go’ changed and affected me.”
Authenticity and acceptance played heavily into Jeff’s experience, as well. Jeff says, “The best sex I had was with someone who liked multiple partners. Something that I really wasn’t sure was for me, you know.” Amelia was always into having as many partners and as much sex as possible, something that delighted and horrified Jeff. He was always afraid of losing her to someone else, but that’s not what happened; in fact, the more partners they had, the healthier they were.
The multiple partners thing played out well at Colette, the New Orleans swingers club. “There’s a huge bed in one of the main rooms upstairs, and it’s surrounded by one-way mirrors. And I don’t know if it was the mirrors, the people watching, or the people that started by watching, but got involved, but it was the closest moment I ever had with her emotionally. We had sex while one guy ate her out, and I was so happy.” He adds, “I think her being involved with multiple men made her happiest, and that energy was shared between us. Let your partner be themselves.”
This experience also falls within the situation Anton describes as a new experience. “A person you’ve dreamt of having sex with and you are finally there. Or sex in a new place that is romantic; fulfilling a fantasy. For example, a cruise ship with a balcony and the curtains open so you can see the ocean…”
With Audrey, it appears to have been a matter of newness and intensity. Audrey describes herself as, “a trans woman who, at the time, identified with my sex assigned at birth. Male.” Audrey says, “The best sex I ever had was with this guy I was trying to date.”
She says of the sex that it just happened. “It did. We watched a movie, went to bed after for the night. I was rather horny and wanted to get to bed as soon as possible.
“He slept in another room. We were kind of in the beginning stages of seeing each other. Or so I thought, I was younger and a lot more naïve. It may have been a friendship with physical elements.”
So, what made the sex great? “Guy was a blowjob master. It was the only time I really wanted to have sex with someone for a second time, like, aggressively wanted to. The first time he swallowed my cum, while still blowing me, that moment, was the best sex I ever had. It was in the dark, and like, I could visualize the soul or some life force leaving my body as I came.
“A genuine combination of effort and skill. Sometimes, a guy will put in a lot of effort to compensate for ability. He actually had both. Sometimes the best sex can happen spontaneously and simply.”
And what makes for bad sex? Anton has this covered, too. “What isn’t the best sex is often the first time. It isn’t routine sex. It isn’t anxious or ambivalent sex, even if it’s consensual. Performance anxiety and general anxiety don’t lead to good sex. Even the best lovers have bad sex 15% of the time.
“You need to have both relaxation and arousal. It’s about relaxing into the arousal, receiving and giving while your body responds to the stimulation.”
And naturally, a prime factor is the person you are experiencing this with. It’s impossible to separate the people involved from the acts, themselves. Anton says, “The behaviors can be the same, the kissing, the full-body experience, but the small difference is the person you’re experiencing it with.
“You can’t tell someone to do A, B, C and they’ll have great sex. That’s Cosmopolitan magazine. That’s not going to work. What you can do is explore activities, learn to relax into the arousal. No particular thing works for everyone, we are so diverse.”
The final word: “Having the best sex is being in the moment and being mindful.”
Tiffany Anton can be reached through her website: https://neworleanssextherapy.com
Michael David Raso has worked as a writer, editor, and journalist for several different publications since graduating from the University of Louisiana at Lafayette. If you like this piece, you can read the rest of the series here.